Coolness and Respectability

All too often we forget what’s important in the effort to be cool, relevant, respectable… whatever. I finally got to sleep last night and when I woke up this morning I was considering shutting down this brand new, completely anonymous blog and opening up another one because I realized that the name ‘oldmanvirgin’ sounds slightly better than the name ‘oldguyvirgin’.

The entire concept of anonymity is defeated by this desire to be ‘respectable’. Here I am, blogging anonymously on a page that I’m not going to tell anyone about, and I’m worried about what name sounds more respectable. Why? Because we all have the innate need to feel good about ourselves, to feel important, liked, cool, etc. The problem is that in this quest for coolness we inevitably lose track of the things that are important to us.

This could be a relationship with Christ, or it could be a desire to be open and honest, it could be both. Regardless, it is far too easy for us to get distracted by whatever we think it means to be cool or respectable, but ultimately we forget that we don’t get to decide how people see us. What I think is cool, someone else thinks is weird, and what they think is respectable, I think is pretentious. People are going to see me and treat me in whatever way they decide to see me and treat me, and all of my ideas about coolness, respectability, or relevance don’t matter in the least. They simply serve to take my mind away from the things that really matter: honesty, compassion, service, devotion to the glory of God.

The important things always require a lot of attention, and a balance. God loves all people, so much that he sent Christ to satisfy the requirements of his justice. However, he is also perfectly just, so much so that all the love in the world couldn’t allow him to abandon the requirements of justice, thus necessitating the sacrifice of Christ.

I must balance contemplation of his truth, his glory, his perfection, his word, and his world with action taken to spread that glory. If I simply go out and do without learning, listening, and meditating, without taking the necessary time for solitude, contemplation, and communion with the father, then I’ve lost the very essence of what it means to follow Christ. Following requires me to actually follow his lead, rather than simply doing… something. If I don’t know the father, then how can I follow the father?

At the same time, if all I do is lie on my bed, contemplate the father, and study the scriptures, then, again, I am not following Christ. How can I follow him without actually following? To follow requires me to do… something surely. Certainly more than just lay around and feel spiritual.

So, the balance must be maintained between ¬†contemplation and action, just as balance must be maintained in many things in life. However, if the entirety of my focus is on being respectable or cool, in other words if the entirety of my focus is on how others choose to see me, rather than on what I actually am, then I will inevitably lose track of many of the delicate balances that make up the Christian life. I will forget that I must ‘be’ Christian, and that truly being Christian is all too often antithetical to what culture expects of me.

Does this mean that I should reject the church entirely? Reject the notion of religious Christianity and simply seek a spiritual union with God? Of course not, the notion is ludicrous. If I reject the church, then I am rejecting the very body of which I am a part. Could my pinky separate itself from my hand, and say to my hand, “You don’t fill my needs, and thus I will forge my own relationship with the head”? The concept is laughably ridiculous. The church is the body of Christ, and while that body may be ill, this does not mean that it is any less a body. If the body dies, the pinky will die as well, but if the pinky is removed from the body, it will still die, only it will do so all the faster.

Thus, if I cut myself off from the body of Christ, I will die because community is part and parcel with Christianity. I cannot be a loan Christian. It is not simply ‘me and Jesus against the world’, even if I sometimes want to convince myself that it is. So, here too a balance is necessary. I have an individual relationship with the Father, but that individual relationship festers and dies when it is removed from community. Thus, I find myself once again looking at the importance of balance. I must balance my solitude and silent communion with my seeking of community and fellowship with the great body of believers. Thus, all things require balance.

Oh, and I decided to close the profile I opened on fuckbook… well, not close precisely. I couldn’t really figure out how to do that, but I changed my password to something that I’ll never remember. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that was a particularly ridiculous misstep that seemed wise in the throws of sleep deprivation.

Celibacy is Hard

I’m 32 years old and I’m a virgin. Actually, I’ve never kissed a woman (and I am interested in women). I just signed up on a site called ‘Fuckbook’ (no kidding) not because I was looking for sex, though that’s obviously what the site was designed for, but because I was looking for anonymity. Anonymity can do amazing things, and let’s be honest here: being a 32 year old virgin who’s never kissed a woman is pretty much just embarrassing in today’s world. I’m not celibate and proud… at least not yet. Maybe someday I will be, but right now I’m just celibate.

I want to feel like this:

st-francis-of-assisi-praying

But most of the time I still feel like this: CELIBACY-inspirmotional

The thing is, I want to have sex. I just want to have sex with a woman who I love, and who loves me enough to marry me before we have it. She hasn’t come along yet, and if I’m being honest (and if you can’t be honest when you’re anonymous then when can you be honest), the older I get, the less likely it all seems. So, there I was, on fuckbook, asking for help with my weirdass celibate life from a forum designed around the idea of hooking up. Make’s so much sense doesn’t it. Then I found out that to do anything more than make a profile with my ‘about me’ section, I had to pay for it. Well… needless to say, that brought me here instead.

I honestly have no idea if I’ll ever update this blog again. I think it’s likely, but you never know. Right now this is the brainchild of a frustrated, sleepless night and I’d really rather just be sleeping, but that doesn’t look likely at the moment.