Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone. I know that it’s the day after Christmas, not Christmas itself, but I’m at my parent’s house and we had lots of company over yesterday. I did get to spend a couple of days with my nephews though, which is always worth it, and I got to watch a bunch of Dr. Who. However, what I wasn’t going to do was write any more blog posts than I needed to, and I had to write a post for my other blog yesterday. So, merry Christmas even though Christmas was actually yesterday. The fact the I felt the need to explain all of that probably says something about me. I generally need to be understood. Honestly, this is something that’s very important to me. I’m not satisfied when people simply accept my mistakes as mistakes or oversights. Instead, I want them to understand why I do things the way that I do them. I think that we all seek for understanding, and we all want approval.

This is something that I see consistently in the gay rights movement. All too often, disagreement is seen to be equivalent to hate precisely because we feel the need for the approval of others. We want people to like us, and we want to like ourselves, and so often we seem to have this overwhelming need to connect the two. If we are not liked by others, then we cannot like ourselves. Similarly, if we are not approved of by others, then we cannot approve of ourselves. Here’s the thing though, all of this comes from an incomplete sense of self. This is not to say that healthy people don’t feel these needs, I think that we all feel the need to be liked and approved. However, we shouldn’t be controlled by those needs. If someone’s disapproval seems to become a sign of disrespect or hate, then I am not seeing myself or seeing God in myself. I am not even seeing what the other person sees in me, instead I am seeing only my exaggerated image of how the other person sees me.

This is something that I’ve written about before, mostly because it is something that I struggle with. I can usually operate without the approval of others. I am capable of putting aside my need for understanding and approval in order to see things as they are, rather than how I am afraid they are or how I wish they could be. However, this isn’t always true. There are time when I need someones understanding or approval. There are many more times when putting aside my own desire for understanding and approval is very difficult. Honestly, I haven’t put a lot of thought into why I struggle with this. It’s probably something I should do. My first impulse is to say that there have been relatively few people in my life who have sought to understand me, but I’m not really sure that this is true. At least, not any more than anyone else today. I recently took a relationship needs test (I like a variety of personality tests… though this wasn’t one of the better ones) which mentioned that I might have a weak sense of self. At moments this is certainly true, but I’m not sure if its true in general. It is, however, something that needs more thought.

So, I got to spend all day yesterday and most of Christmas Eve with my family, including my two nephews, which was a lot of fun! My Christmas gifts were interesting. They were generally what I’d asked for, which included a bottle of Absinthe, a rubix cube (even though I hate puzzles), and sharpening stones for knives. I’ve found that, as I get older, it gets harder and harder to make birthday and Christmas lists. There’s honestly just not that much that I actually want. I asked for the rubix cube, even though I hate puzzles, because teaching myself to work it will be good mental exercise. I looked up the basics of how to do a rubix cube, and I’m already getting fairly good at it. However, getting the final side completed is going to be very challenging. Still, I think it should be fairly interesting.

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