Fear and Loathing in… Lynchburg

I’ve been fighting with God for the past 24 hours. At least… I think I’ve been fighting with God for the past 24 hours. I’ve either been fighting with God or I’ve been fighting with myself, and I’m honestly not entirely sure which. I think it’s the former, but I’m not sure. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a bad habit of dating emotionally traumatized 19 year olds and putting myself up as the perfect rebound guy to date and then gut. I’m trying very hard to break this habit.

There is a woman at my church… I’m honestly not sure how old she is… I’m guessing early twenties… I think she’s almost out of college. Honestly, as I write this I’m rehearsing just how stupid this is and why I should just ignore it. Anyway, last night this woman was on my heart and on my mind, and there was a nudging to ‘ask her to lunch’. I barely know her…. …Anyway, I’m very happy that she wasn’t in church today. If she had been I think I might have just yelled something and walked out.

As I said, I’m honestly not sure if this is actually God, and I’m trying to convince myself that it’s me, or if it’s just me being an idiot and trying to convince myself that its God so that I’ll be an idiot. …I kind of hope that it’s the latter because then I can just ignore the entire thing… you have no idea how much I don’t want to ask her to lunch. Okay, by now you probably have some idea.

If this is from God (and that is a big ‘if’ because I really don’t want it to be), then I don’t know what he’s thinking. Honestly, I could sit here and list all of the reasons why this is a stupid idea, but I’ve been having that argument all day, and I really don’t want to rehash it. When it comes down to brass tacks (yes, I said brass tacks), I’m scared. Really, pissing my pants, weeping into my communion glass scared. I’m scared that it is God telling me to do this. I’m scared that I’m going to be rejected. I’m scared that I’m going get hurt, and that’s what it comes down to.

I don’t want to get hurt.

I’ve been hurt a lot. I’ve been hurt by women. I’ve been hurt by parents. I’ve been hurt by friends. I’ve been hurt by God. I’ve done an awful lot to hurt myself. I’m terrified that I’m going to get hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt. Honestly I don’t even want to consider asking this woman to lunch because the only possible responses are ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and I don’t want to hear either one.

But whenever you argue with God, you lose. I was reminded tonight that getting hurt isn’t a bad thing. At least not when God’s the one doing the hurting. Being broken is unpleasant, and if you want to be broken then you’re insane, but being broken is also good. There is a Japanese art form called Kintsukuroi that I learned about tonight that exemplifies this. Kintsukuroi is the art of repairing broken pottery using gold or silver lacquer, and the result of well done Kintsukuroi is quite incredibly beautiful.

It strikes me that God is a Kintsukuroi artist of the highest caliber. The thing is that God doesn’t repair broken pottery. He repairs broken people, and while being broken sucks, and being fixed is painful, the result is amazing. So, much as I’m scared of being hurt, I have to come back to the fact that if this is God’s will (still a big ‘if’) then it is good. If God wants to hurt me so that he can heal me, then I know that he will make me better for it, and that is good… …and I suppose that there is always a chance that God actually doesn’t intend to hurt me. That he is actually taking this somewhere… joyful.

This doesn’t make me any less scared (actually it might scare me even more), but it does make me more determined to find out if this is God’s will or if it is my idiocy, and it makes me more willing to follow God, no matter where he leads.