Disappointments

Well, it’s four in the morning and I’m sitting here writing because I can’t sleep… again. At least I’m taking tomorrow off, so it’s not like there’s anything I really have to do. Still, I’d kind of like to be asleep right now. That being said, life is always full of little surprises ready to kick you in the face. I called not-Sarah this afternoon to finalize plans for Wednesday, only to have her tell me that she wasn’t really interested in anything more than casual conversations with me.

I don’t think I handled that well. I didn’t handle it badly, I was just kind of lost for words and babbled a little bit before saying goodbye. The conversation really caught be by surprise, honestly, and I’m realizing that I didn’t really know what I was looking for from her. I don’t know if I wanted more than casual friendship or not, but I kind of expected more. I thought that she was interested (which means that I clearly misread something I suppose), and I was more flustered at having that expectation banished than at the fact that nothing was going to happen between us.

Ultimately, it was a minor disappointment, but it was definitely a disappointment because I was expecting at least interest from her. I was expecting to be the one who decided if there was anything there, not the other way around, and that didn’t happen. Ultimately, it’s in God’s hands, and I’m going to trust him with it. He knows what he’s doing a lot better than I do. I’m also kind of surprised that it affected me as much as it did. As I said, I was on… well, at least I thought I was on the fence about wanting something, but when the actual decision was taken away, it hurt a little and threw me into a funk that lasted for a good three or four hours.

I think that I can, and probably should, be better about that. I keep saying that I need to be single, and maybe I still need that for a little while longer. It’s something that I’m doing my best to leave up to God right now. Honestly, there’s a big part of me that’s just tired of being rejected.

The Importance of Foundations

If you’ve ever spent any time in construction you’ll have some idea how important a good foundation is. It’s the first thing you lay down because everything else relies on the foundation. If your foundation is week, then your building is weak. If you don’t have a foundation, then your building falls down pretty quickly.

This is true in building, and it’s also true in life. Christ tells the story of the wise man who builds his house on the rock, and obviously the rock is him. This is an important foundation for any Christian to understand. However, another important foundation is philosophy and theology.

Many people don’t actually understand what they believe. They have no clear concept of their outlook on the world, their understanding of God, or why they actually believe any of the things they believe. Even those who have some concept often don’t really have a complete or consistent understanding of their view of the world. This is something of a problem.

I’ll be honest, I’m exhausted right now, and I just had a pretty awesome date with not-Sarah (that’s right, she called me back), so I don’t really have a lot to say about the issue right now. However, think about this: why? Why do you believe what you believe? Why does God exist? Why is scripture trustworthy? Why is the world a good, bad, beautiful, or ugly place? Why does it even matter? These are the most important questions that you can ask: why, why, why, why, why?

Sleep

I am exhausted. Have you ever been at that point where you’re just too tired to think? Where you can’t even figure out what it is that you need to do next? That’s where I am right now. I know that I still have some grading to do today… I’m sure of it… I think… my classroom is down anyway so I don’t suppose it matters even if I do still have grading to do. I probably need the break anyway.

Honestly, I feel like the Sunday before last (June… something) was a month or two ago. Between cleaning, grading, bills, conversations, etc, etc, etc, I have had an incredibly long week. It’s been good though. I was talking to one of my students this week about the difference between hedonism and utilitarianism. Both philosophies tend to operate on a basic ‘pleasure=good/pain=bad’ mentality that is really truly simple to understand. There are variations of each that focus on this concept in different ways. For instance, some hedonists pursue long-term pleasures even if these involve short term pains (a position John Piper argues for inĀ Desiring God). Utilitarians tend to argue that the greatest pleasure for the greatest number is good (i.e. seek the greatest good not the personal good), but pleasure is still associated with good.

I have a problem with this fundamental argument. The last week has not been pleasant for me. It has not been enjoyable, pleasurable, happy (I’ve been fairly happy, but circumstances certainly haven’t), etc. It has been difficult, exhausting, expensive, frustrating, and quite thoroughly painful. That being said, it has also been very good. I’ve seen growth in myself that I hadn’t realized was there. I’ve been tested, and I’ve been happy, even though nothing about my circumstances encouraged me to be. So, I have a difficult time accepting the notion that ‘good’ and ‘pleasure’ are linked together. Pain can be good, and pleasure can most certainly be bad. This doesn’t mean that they always are, but it does mean that good/bad and pleasure/pain are not synonyms, or necessarily even comparable.

Honestly, I’m tired enough that I’m not really sure I’m even making sense here. Oh, and I also learned from a friend today that apparently asking a girl to lunch means you just want to be friends. I never would have realized this, and I’m glad my friend told me because I was planning to ask not-Sarah to lunch tomorrow. Instead I called her and left a message asking if she wanted to get coffee some evening this week. I really hope that there isn’t some secret woman message in leaving a voicemail…

I think I like it better when I can just grunt at people.