I Have No Idea What the Hell I’m Doing

Seriously! When it comes to life, to women, to goals, to the future… honestly the only thing that I seem to be good at is analyzing things. I’m good at understanding and breaking down complex ideas. I’m a pretty smart guy, and I’m also fairly good at teaching. I can help students understand things that they don’t even begin to grasp, and I’m pretty decent at martial arts. However, when it comes to life… to actual relationships… to money and all the things that really, truly matter I think I’m pretty much hopeless. I was finally introduced to that young woman in my martial arts class this afternoon, and she promptly told me that she isn’t looking to date anyone right now. I’m disappointed, but she also told me that she’d let me know what she was… I don’t know how seriously to take that. I really don’t know whether to think that she was serious or that it was a kind brush-off.

I’m honestly not sure that it really matters. I mean, there’s a reason that I’m 32 and single, but it would have been nice if she’d been interested. Honestly, I’m doing fairly well at the moment. I’m actually feeling good about everything. Focusing on God the last few days has really helped me keep my perspective, and I’m pretty happy with life at the moment. Even though everything’s kind of hard right now. I don’t have much work this week, and I don’t have much money either. Every girl I’ve contacted on eHarmony has ignored me, and every girl I’ve asked out otherwise has turned me down flat. I’ve got a few students who are fairly upset with how difficult I am, and they are being very vocal about it. I’ve also injured myself repeatedly, which is making Aikido that much harder, and most of the exercises that I prefer impossible.

All in all, given everything that’s going on, I’ve had a pretty good weekend and I plan to enjoy the rest of my week as well. God is awesome in all things and I’m going to trust him in all things. That being said, I’m still pretty bad at life. I try to play to my strengths, but that never seems to go very well. Here’s the thing, people keep telling me that it’s not me, that I shouldn’t blame myself, so on and so forth. I read a study recently that said that failing between 5 and 7 times is good for you. It makes the successes more worthwhile and everything that much better. I can’t imagine that years of repeated failure does the same. After a while it becomes difficult to see it as anything but your fault. Still, maybe it isn’t me… maybe it’s something else entirely. The fact remains that I still seem to be pretty bad at life in general.

Well, now I’m all depressed. I’m going to go spend some time with God so that I can get back to having a good week.

P.S. Ultimately, God’s love is greater than I can comprehend. After a little time with him I’m feeling pretty good again. He’s loved me even in my worst times, and he knows all my secrets. Still, he loves me anyway. I don’t think I could ask for more.