Well, it’s four in the morning and I’m sitting here writing because I can’t sleep… again. At least I’m taking tomorrow off, so it’s not like there’s anything I really have to do. Still, I’d kind of like to be asleep right now. That being said, life is always full of little surprises ready to kick you in the face. I called not-Sarah this afternoon to finalize plans for Wednesday, only to have her tell me that she wasn’t really interested in anything more than casual conversations with me.
I don’t think I handled that well. I didn’t handle it badly, I was just kind of lost for words and babbled a little bit before saying goodbye. The conversation really caught be by surprise, honestly, and I’m realizing that I didn’t really know what I was looking for from her. I don’t know if I wanted more than casual friendship or not, but I kind of expected more. I thought that she was interested (which means that I clearly misread something I suppose), and I was more flustered at having that expectation banished than at the fact that nothing was going to happen between us.
Ultimately, it was a minor disappointment, but it was definitely a disappointment because I was expecting at least interest from her. I was expecting to be the one who decided if there was anything there, not the other way around, and that didn’t happen. Ultimately, it’s in God’s hands, and I’m going to trust him with it. He knows what he’s doing a lot better than I do. I’m also kind of surprised that it affected me as much as it did. As I said, I was on… well, at least I thought I was on the fence about wanting something, but when the actual decision was taken away, it hurt a little and threw me into a funk that lasted for a good three or four hours.
I think that I can, and probably should, be better about that. I keep saying that I need to be single, and maybe I still need that for a little while longer. It’s something that I’m doing my best to leave up to God right now. Honestly, there’s a big part of me that’s just tired of being rejected.