I often tell people that the difference between want and need is very important. This was drilled into me as a child, but I don’t think I actually learned the difference until I was in my mid-twenties. The less you have, the more you find out how little you actually need. These days I can honestly say that there isn’t all that much that I really want. There are things that I want, but not all that many. However, something I’ve realized is that I’ve tended to apply this formula to my relationships as well. I tend to look for relationships based on need, and I think that a large part of this is because I believe that if a woman doesn’t need me she won’t want me.
I’ve had an introspective sort of day, and what this introspection has brought me to is the fact that I need to seriously restructure how I choose women to pursue. I’ve mentioned that I tend to set myself up as a rebound guy, and the reason for this is that I want to be needed. I want a woman to need me around, and for some reason I think that if she needs me around, then she’ll want me around as well. Of course, as I’ve also mentioned, I tend to treat women well, until I try to change them. This creates a vicious, broken cycle in which I find a woman who is hurting and needy, nurse her back to emotional health, but in doing so realize that I don’t actually have much respect for her. So, I try to teach her how to be a person that I can respect (i.e. change who she is), which (when combined with getting her back to a point where she doesn’t need me) causes her to walk away. I can’t describe how incredibly unhealthy this is. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to explain it, and I’m amazed that I’ve never actually realized it before. I think I’ve mentioned that I’m an idiot.
So, my new goal is to only pursue women who actually seem to enjoy having me around. That means that I need to find some women who enjoy having me around, which I’m not sure how to do. Perhaps it means that I need to become someone that women enjoy having around… which I’m also not sure how to do. I kind of think that T’Amber might enjoy having me around, and honestly Sally has already told me that she likes me (not romantically in any way, just in general as a person). However, I’m not really sure what any of this means or what to do with it. I’m bad at this… really bad at it.
That being said, when I get the chance I’m planning to ask T’Amber out. Part of me expects her to turn me down flat. Part of me expects her to be interested. Part of me doesn’t know what to expect. I’m also going to invite Sally to lunch… with a group of people… and I’m still rather hoping that she says no.
Have I mentioned lately that I’m really not a fan of dating. It’s just hard.
…And yet I found myself editing an eHarmony profile from about two and a half years ago. Seriously, I’d forgotten I made it. They finally quit sending me emails, and then I got one more… one thing at the right time is all it takes to change things. For good or ill or somewhere in between… or not at all. I’m guessing not at all with eHarmony, personally.