Sources of Satisfaction

It’s amazing how easily we can shift our focus, our reliance, onto such a wide variety of things. When I first started this blog a few months back I really, truly didn’t want any followers. Seriously, go read some of my early posts. I was honestly and truly angry every time a new person followed the blog. It just plain made me mad, and I expressed that a few times. eHarmony has not been great for my self-esteem. Note that I used the term self-esteem there, not confidence… though I’m not sure that it’s been great for my confidence either. So far, the women who seem interested in me, I have no interest in, and the one’s I’m interested in have no interest in me. That’s often the way it goes though, isn’t it? I also passed on the chance to try asking T’Amber out again this afternoon… I think I had a good reason (she was on her way to a funeral and it just didn’t feel right), but I also have a feeling that there was a little bit of cowardice involved. I’d feel better about it if I was more worried about her feelings, and less worried about being rejected again. In other words, I think it was probably the right choice, but I’m not sure that I made it for the right reasons. I’m also coming down with something… still pretty much physically broken (though I found some yoga that I can do), needing less work for my health, but more work for my wallet, and I can’t bring myself to do a half-job on the assignments my students turn in.

So, all in all, while I’m not completely in the pits, I’m not entirely doing great right now. I’m trying to keep up a good attitude, but things are a little rough. That being said, a few minutes ago (right before I started writing) I found myself looking to see if I had any new likes or followers… trying to make myself feel good. I think this is understandable to a degree. It isn’t exactly a terrible thing to look to things of value or things that you do well to give a little boost, and it doesn’t mean that I’m comparing myself to anyone. I just kind of want to feel wanted at the moment, and I really don’t. I even just completely failed to cheer up a friend who’s having a rough day, something that I’m usually pretty good at. Still, like I said, it’s amazing how easily something can go from ‘just a thing’ to ‘a source of comfort, desire, happiness, confidence, etc’. I don’t know when this blog went from being just a journal to something that I take pride in and want people to see, and I have to wonder if the desire for people to see it has affected how honest I am. I think that I’m still being forthright… at least I’m not consciously trying to present myself in ‘this’ way or in ‘that’ way. Anyone who reads what I’ve written here can tell that I spend a lot of time moaning about my lack of a love life, and I still can’t really figure out why people keep following in the first place.

Nonetheless, it’s been a rough week for me. Everything above is a part of that, and I’m still dealing with some of the struggles that plagued me last Thursday and Friday. Not to nearly as great a degree. I haven’t sought anything out, but there have been a couple of times when my thoughts have gone to less than desirable places and stayed. A while back I wrote a post that started with the phrase ‘sometimes I just want to fuck’, and this is true. However, right now that isn’t my problem. Thinking about it honestly, lately I’ve been putting myself out there a good bit. eHarmony is a part of that, asking out T’Amber is a part of that, there’re a couple of other rejections that I don’t think have made the blog, and then the whole thing with the girl at my martial arts school on Monday… suffice it to say that I’ve been rejected a good bit, and more than anything else, at the moment I want to feel like someone that I might want might actually want me in return. Right now, at my core, I feel profoundly unwanted, and I probably need to have a long conversation with God about that. I think anything else is probably just a temporary fix.

I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. As I write this I can see how everything over the past week has worked together to bring me to this point. This point of specific dissatisfaction, frustration, fear, and pain, and I know that what I need to do is run to God and beg him to make it better. However, I’m not actually sure that I can do that at the moment. I know that I should, there’s a part of me that even wants to, but there’s another part of me that is afraid… of losing something… of sacrificing something… that God won’t be there maybe… I’m not even really sure what I’m afraid of. I just know that I’m afraid.

So, I’m going to stop writing about it, and I’m going to take a long, hot shower and take some time to talk to God about all of this. Hopefully he’ll have a solution.

Want vs. Need

I often tell people that the difference between want and need is very important. This was drilled into me as a child, but I don’t think I actually learned the difference until I was in my mid-twenties. The less you have, the more you find out how little you actually need. These days I can honestly say that there isn’t all that much that I really want. There are things that I want, but not all that many. However, something I’ve realized is that I’ve tended to apply this formula to my relationships as well. I tend to look for relationships based on need, and I think that a large part of this is because I believe that if a woman doesn’t need me she won’t want me.

I’ve had an introspective sort of day, and what this introspection has brought me to is the fact that I need to seriously restructure how I choose women to pursue. I’ve mentioned that I tend to set myself up as a rebound guy, and the reason for this is that I want to be needed. I want a woman to need me around, and for some reason I think that if she needs me around, then she’ll want me around as well. Of course, as I’ve also mentioned, I tend to treat women well, until I try to change them. This creates a vicious, broken cycle in which I find a woman who is hurting and needy, nurse her back to emotional health, but in doing so realize that I don’t actually have much respect for her. So, I try to teach her how to be a person that I can respect (i.e. change who she is), which (when combined with getting her back to a point where she doesn’t need me) causes her to walk away. I can’t describe how incredibly unhealthy this is. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to explain it, and I’m amazed that I’ve never actually realized it before. I think I’ve mentioned that I’m an idiot.

So, my new goal is to only pursue women who actually seem to enjoy having me around. That means that I need to find some women who enjoy having me around, which I’m not sure how to do. Perhaps it means that I need to become someone that women enjoy having around… which I’m also not sure how to do. I kind of think that T’Amber might enjoy having me around, and honestly Sally has already told me that she likes me (not romantically in any way, just in general as a person). However, I’m not really sure what any of this means or what to do with it. I’m bad at this… really bad at it.

That being said, when I get the chance I’m planning to ask T’Amber out. Part of me expects her to turn me down flat. Part of me expects her to be interested. Part of me doesn’t know what to expect. I’m also going to invite Sally to lunch… with a group of people… and I’m still rather hoping that she says no.

Have I mentioned lately that I’m really not a fan of dating. It’s just hard.

…And yet I found myself editing an eHarmony profile from about two and a half years ago. Seriously, I’d forgotten I made it. They finally quit sending me emails, and then I got one more… one thing at the right time is all it takes to change things. For good or ill or somewhere in between… or not at all. I’m guessing not at all with eHarmony, personally.

Dang Stupidhead!

God values our honesty. This is something of which I am absolutely and completely convinced. Read the Psalms sometime if you don’t believe me. See how deeply honest the psalmists are in their prayers and praises. Psalm 136 is a great example of this in my opinion. It takes an awful lot to get more honest than that. So, God values our honesty, and sometimes that means telling him things that don’t sound particularly respectful.

Sometimes it means telling God that you think he’s a nutjob and what he’s asking for is utterly ridiculous. That’s the position I found myself in tonight… and the thing is, it wasn’t even ridiculous, just a little bit humbling. The thing is, I really am massively prideful, and so ‘a little humbling’ and ‘I don’t want to’ quickly turn into ‘God, you’re insane, this is just a stupid idea’.

When I do this God’s response is usually something along the lines of ‘Uh-huh. I don’t care, do it anyway’, which is of course wonderful for me to hear. Nonetheless, this is the conversation I had with God tonight. It finally wound up with me asking God to lay off and just let me complain about everything for five minutes, which I thought was fair considering that he knew that I was going to do exactly what he told me to do. So, I got my five minutes of whining, and he’s getting his public humiliation tomorrow, which honestly probably won’t be particularly humiliating.

This is the thing though, have you ever had something that you both really did, and absolutely didn’t want to do at the same time? Yeah, I have a feeling that my entire week is going to look like that. The thing is, I know it’s going to be good. I know that tomorrow is going to be good, and I know that fasting this week is going to be good, and I know that giving up is going to be good. Nonetheless, I find that I still don’t want to do it. The very idea of it scares the crap out of me, and I know that isn’t likely to change until I actually get through all of this. Sometimes God makes us do hard things, and as much as that isn’t any fun, it is good. … … …It still doesn’t keep me from calling him a stupidhead jerk sometimes though.

Celibacy is Hard

I’m 32 years old and I’m a virgin. Actually, I’ve never kissed a woman (and I am interested in women). I just signed up on a site called ‘Fuckbook’ (no kidding) not because I was looking for sex, though that’s obviously what the site was designed for, but because I was looking for anonymity. Anonymity can do amazing things, and let’s be honest here: being a 32 year old virgin who’s never kissed a woman is pretty much just embarrassing in today’s world. I’m not celibate and proud… at least not yet. Maybe someday I will be, but right now I’m just celibate.

I want to feel like this:

st-francis-of-assisi-praying

But most of the time I still feel like this: CELIBACY-inspirmotional

The thing is, I want to have sex. I just want to have sex with a woman who I love, and who loves me enough to marry me before we have it. She hasn’t come along yet, and if I’m being honest (and if you can’t be honest when you’re anonymous then when can you be honest), the older I get, the less likely it all seems. So, there I was, on fuckbook, asking for help with my weirdass celibate life from a forum designed around the idea of hooking up. Make’s so much sense doesn’t it. Then I found out that to do anything more than make a profile with my ‘about me’ section, I had to pay for it. Well… needless to say, that brought me here instead.

I honestly have no idea if I’ll ever update this blog again. I think it’s likely, but you never know. Right now this is the brainchild of a frustrated, sleepless night and I’d really rather just be sleeping, but that doesn’t look likely at the moment.