I love superheroes. I love the stories, the characters, the concepts… honestly, I pretty much love everything about superheroes… except the way some authors draw women. Yes, I’m a nerd. I’m pretty sure that’s been well-established. So, along with this love of superheroes came a love of the idea of righting wrongs… I had to learn the hard way that this isn’t the way it works. The idea of righting wrongs is really nice, it removes guilt, regret, and responsibility. The problem is that we can’t change the past. Once a wrong has been committed it can’t be uncommitted. I can work to mitigate the damage done by that wrong. I can work to make a right come out of the wrong that I have committed, but the wrong that has been done can’t be undone.
It’s been a rough 40 some hours, and I’ve done some things that I wish I hadn’t done. Things that I can’t go back and undo. However, as Paul tells us in Romans, where sin increases, grace abounds. I could sit here and berate myself for the things I’ve done in the past two days, I could run them over in my head, I could beat myself for them, burn myself for them, take out on my flesh the anger that I feel over my actions. However, all of these things are attempts to drive myself to perfection, and that’s not what Christianity is about.
It’s very easy to convince ourselves that our lives are about our sins. That we must strive to free ourselves from sin, or that we are defined by our sins, or that we are trapped by our sins. The thing is, grace is the antidote to sin. This is not to say that my sin is unimportant, or that I can or should sin with impunity. Paul also tells us that the fact that grace abounds where sin increases does not mean that we can or should continue sinning. Sin is wrong, and is something that I should avoid. However, it is also something that I live with everyday. I live, I try, and I fail. When I fail, grace.
I am, to be honest, always amazed at the grace that God shows. At his continual willingness to forgive my wrongs. I fail in so many ways and he is always ready to forgive me. I used to say that I couldn’t understand this and that he shouldn’t have saved me. I gave up on that a while back… mostly because it’s ridiculous. God does what he wants, and what I think is really unimportant. That being said, I have no idea why he chose me, why he pursued me, or why he saved me. However, he did, and I can imagine my life if he hadn’t. It isn’t pretty or pleasant. Heck… my past 40 hours hasn’t been pretty or pleasant and this is me after being a Christian for 13 years.
Honestly, I wish I could show the grace and mercy that God does. I want to, and yet every time he gives me the opportunity, I fail. I love people, and yet I fail. I want to help people, and yet I fail. I want to be a good man, and yet I fail. I want to be like God, and yet I fail. It often seems that failure is what defines my life, and yet… in failing repeatedly I succeed in growing. From my failure grace brings growth and victory, and this is something that I truly do not understand and cannot replicate. I imagine that if I could… I really don’t know how to finish that sentence. I was going to say ‘I’d be rich’, but I really don’t want to be rich, so I doubt that I would.