Flowers

So… I may have done something stupid today. Of course, it could also be something awesome. It’s all kind of up in the air. Remember that young lady I mentioned (yesterday, I think… I don’t remember what I write in these things)… well, I sent her flowers today. Anonymously, of course… I’m still worried about making things awkward for her, and I’m worried about getting my heart broken again. I’m really not a fan of getting my heart broken. Here’s the thing, every time I pray about this lady (and I’ve prayed about her a few times) God tells me to ‘just love her’. He tells me not to worry about whether a relationship will come out of it, or whether she’ll like me, or whether my heart will get broken, but to just love her. In keeping with that idea, the flowers were anonymous, and I’m trying to keep in mind that I’m nothing more than her friend until she says differently. I’m not trying to win her heart. I’m not trying to seduce her. All I’m going to do is do my best to make her life better. I’m trying very heard to guard my own heart through all of this, not to get my hopes up or to fall in love or… anything like that really.

Honestly, I find the entire thing both exhilarating and terrifying in the extreme. I have no idea what she thinks of me, and I’m not sure that I’m really comfortable putting myself out there again. That honestly makes me wonder if I need to spend more time being intentionally single. Nonetheless, she’ll get the flowers in a couple of days, along with an encouraging note, and hopefully it will make her day a little bit better. Seriously though, flowers are expensive! I’m not going to say how much I dropped on this, but man… expensive.

Honestly, there is a part of me (a small part) who wants to ‘make sure I get my money’s worth’ here… whatever that actually means. The thought has crossed my mind that I spent all this money and I deserve something in return. It’s ridiculous, of course, she doesn’t owe me anything, and I honestly feel ashamed that the idea ever entered my head. I did this to make her life a little better, not to get something for myself. However, there is that selfish part of me that wants to get something for myself anyway. Honestly… that part of myself is pretty disgusting, and extremely exhausting. I’m really tired of him making everything about me, and that is one of the reasons that I’m trying very hard to keep my focus here on God. I keep telling myself, ‘just love her, don’t look for anything in return, just love her’. It’s harder than it sounds, which is kind of strange.

I have a number of friends who I care for deeply (heck, I was going to drive one of them to a town an hour away so that she could pick up a new ID), and with them I don’t have any trouble with expecting a return. It’s just not an issue. However, with a woman for whom I have feelings… it’s far too easy to do things in order to get things, and I don’t want to do that. I have no interest in manipulating the people that I care about, and that makes me wonder why it’s so easy for me to want to do exactly that.

Honestly, God still has a lot of work to do in me.

Where the Mind Goes…

I am a wholly sinful man. All to often a wholly sinful man with very little control over his mind. I’m sitting in my favorite coffeeshop right now, praying and communing with God precisely because of this. There are some days when women hold no interest for me whatsoever… for anyone who reads this it’s probably obvious that those days are few and far between, but they do happen. There are many days when a particular woman is on my mind. Not always the same woman, the heart of a single man is a mercurial thing, but a particular woman. Then there are days like today.

I’m praying and meditating because a few minutes ago I realized where my mind was. I found myself not with a particular woman on my mind, but desiring every woman in the shop simultaneously. One had a prettier face, one had a smaller frame, one was dressed in a manner that caught my eye, one young woman had beautiful eyes, another had larger breasts, etc, etc, etc. I think I was on the verge of fantasizing about a seven-way. Needless to say, this is not something that I was comfortable with.

So, I turned to God. To the source of my hope and my peace, and then I decided to write about it. Both have helped immensely, and I find my mind moving back into the domains that I want to focus on. Not to say that any of the attractive women have left… well, maybe one has, but to say that the focus of my mind and heart have shifted. Laozi said ‘let me have fewness of desires’, and I think that this is very important. I could easily get lost in my desire. I could easily say ‘give me all the women’. I could easily find myself dissatisfied simply because what I desire isn’t what I can or should have.

Instead, as Christ tells us in Matthew, I want to seek first the kingdom of heaven. That is where my heart and mind should lie.

The other day I was talking with a friend of mine about women and relationships in general. She said something that struck me, not so much for what she said, but for my reaction to what she said. She told me that I deserve to find love. There was a time, not too very long ago actually, when my automatic response to this would have been ‘yeah, right’. This would have reflected not simply a belief that I wouldn’t find love, but that I didn’t deserve to be loved.

This wasn’t my automatic response, and this is a good thing. My automatic response was ‘I know’. I believe that I do deserve to find love (at least, as much as anyone does), and that I deserve to be loved. I believe that I deserve to find someone who will love me, desire me, and treat me like a king, and someone who I will love, desire, and want to treat like a queen.

As an aside, this is something that I think a lot of women today fail to realize. I have met a great many women who say something along the lines of ‘I should be treated like a queen’, and this is not untrue. If I love a woman then I should treat her very well. However, it is also an inherently selfish statement. I want to find a woman that I can treat like a queen, but I also want to find a woman who understands that she should treat her man like a king. I’m very good at finding woman whom I want to treat well. I am not good at finding women who want to treat me well. This then leads me to try to change them. They do not want to treat me well, and so I set out to teach them the importance of doing so. It becomes my quest not simply to make them better, but to make them what I want… which is inherently and extremely selfish and immature.

Back to my point: I am finally in a place where I actually believe that I deserve to be loved. However, my friend also said ‘you’ll find a woman who will fall head over heels for you’, and my instinctive response to this was still ‘yeah, right’. While I am in a place where I believe that I deserve to be loved, I still have trouble seeing myself as lovable and desirable. The whole issue that began this post is a part of the reason for that, but I also know that this is something that everyone deals with. My friend pointed out that I ‘have so much to offer a woman but don’t believe in’ myself… well, she said ‘yourself’… why I ended the quotes early.

…That probably didn’t need to be explained. Anyway, my friend was pretty chalk full of wisdom. She’s completely right that I still have a lot of trouble seeing myself as desirable. I can identify things about myself that I think a woman should want, but I don’t really believe that any woman does want these things… or at least, not from me. Part of this is simply experience. I’ve been rejected by a lot of women, and that does help to shape my beliefs… more reinforce that ‘shape’ if I’m honest. However, the actual problem is much deeper than that.

While I see myself as deserving of love, I still don’t really see myself as fundamentally lovable. I still retain some measure of the belief that there is something in me or something about me that makes people essentially incapable of loving me… even though I believe that I am deserving of that love. Like I said quite some time ago, if you take away all of the masks I’m still that scared little kid who wants his parents to love him, and there is no woman who can touch that.

This is something that I think God is currently working on, and I have no doubt that it is not an easy task. I don’t know what its going to take to change this, or how long its going to take. However, I am confident in him.