Why? Just Why?

Even though I’ve avowed a desire to not pursue a relationship at the moment, I still find that a couple of women stand out to me. The girl that God has been pushing me to ask to lunch is not one of them. This is still no end of frustrating, but I’ve finally stopped fighting with him about it. I’m still hoping that lunch will be just that, lunch. Nothing more and nothing less than a good meal together and some spiritual conversation. That’s all I want from her, and I hope that’s all that God has planned. I’ve asked four people to be praying about this for me, and one of them actually knows her. He promised to pray, but also gave me the advice that I’ve been wanting to hear: she’s immature and selfish, it’s probably not a good idea to try to date her.

I thanked him rather profusely for that, and considered one of the women who is standing out to me at the moment. I would call her Smiley. It would fit, but I know someone by that name already… it doesn’t fit very well. So, let’s call her T’Amber. It’s… an unusual name. Anyway, T’Amber is mid-twenties, beautiful, very kind, and she seems both intelligent and quite invested in her spirituality. I rather like T’Amber, and am fairly positive that she’s available (I have a friend who lives with a guy who recently broke-up with her).

So, I find myself asking God: Why would you push me to ask Sally to lunch and not T’Amber? Seriously, what’s up with that? Then I remember the year that I spent working at Walmart. Right after I got out of seminary I was unemployed for several months. Paying rent, electric, car insurance, food, etc with no actual income will sap your resources fairly quickly, and so after a few months I was more than a little desperate to find a job. I can remember watching my bank account dwindle from several thousand dollars to a few hundred, and begging God to give me a job, any job.

Finally, within two days actually, I had two job offers. One was from a Chinese restaurant here in town working 14-16 hours a week for about $6.60/hour. The other offer was from Walmart, working 30-32 hours a week for about $8/hour. The choice seemed obvious to me, and yet I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God wanted me to accept the restaurant offer. It made no sense, it didn’t pay enough, it got in the way of my life. It was a stupid idea, and so I didn’t do it.

The following year was one of the most miserable years of my life. Walmart paid the bills (well, most of them), but it was a horrible place to work, and what was worse: I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wanted to quit from the moment I walked in the door on my first day of work, but God told me not to. Much like the Israelites after they refused to invade the promised land, I had made my choice, and God was going to teach me a lesson. And he did. It was long, painful, incredibly frustrating, and undeniably effective. When God tells you what to do, you do it.

I have to relate this to a student who’s currently in one of my classes. She and I haven’t been on the same wavelength through the entire class. She doesn’t turn in quality work, and often the work she does turn in has little to do with the assignment. She asks me for help and advice, but when I give it her response is either: ‘I can’t do that’ or ‘That’s stupid, I won’t do that’. Needless to say, the comparisons are both obvious to me, and less than flattering.

So, when it comes down to it… I’m going to ask Sally to get lunch with me. Like I said at the beginning, I really hope that lunch is just lunch. I hope that God has no further plans for this, and I hope that he opens a door to ask out T’Amber soon. That’s what I’d prefer or, better yet… that he would take women and relationships off my mind completely and make me a monk. It’s what makes more sense to me, but then… I’m an idiot.