Sometimes I’m just afraid. Sometimes, not incredibly often, but sometimes I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. That wasn’t really the case today, but it partially was. I’ve actually had a really good couple of days. I’ve been in a play that ended yesterday, and that was a lot of fun. It’s also kept me very, very busy, but that’s not really a bad thing. However, my good computer is being worked on right now, which is making all of life just a little bit more frustrating. However, back to fear.
Today wasn’t a bad day by any means. A little bit frustrating at times, but certainly not bad. Nonetheless, I found myself afraid almost the entire day. I’m honestly not entirely sure how to explain how I feel right now, but I’m going to try, and hopefully it will make sense. I found myself at church today surrounded by happy families. My church tends to have a lot of kids… we actually have a running calendar of pregnancies… at least 2 or 3 new ones every month… and we aren’t exactly a large church. Not a small church either, but not a huge one. Needless to say, lots of happy families, and this week was the beginning of vacation bible school, which meant that many more kids running around.
The thing is, I love kids. Some of my favorite people are kids, but today… I’ve been at the place where seeing the things that my heart desired simply hurt. It’s a hurt so deep that you can’t express it. You just stop breathing and wish you could cry. Today didn’t hurt, and I think that’s a good thing. However, there was a feeling… part fear, part grief, part desire… like I said, I’m not sure I know how to put this in words… actually… I do. Proverbs 13:12 says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire granted is a tree of life”, and Proverbs 14:30 says “A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness in the bones”.
I didn’t hurt today, but I felt like I was looking at something that my heart yearns for, but will never have. I don’t honestly think that’s true, but that fearful grief weighed on me all day. I prayed about it, I actually had lunch with God today. It was quite nice, but it didn’t make the feeling go away. I’m still trying to give God both my pain and my desire. I’ve been… moderately successful so far. Still, I know that I have a long way to go, and some days are easier than others. This is the thing though, as a friend of mine reminded me tonight, it’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be good, and it has been, but it’s not supposed to be easy. I hope that by the end of the summer I’ll have learned this particular lesson and given my pain, my fear, and my hope all to God. I’m afraid that I’ll still have this yearning though. I guess we’ll see in a couple of months.