I’ve never liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Nonetheless, the title (if not the plot) is probably the best possible description of my summer. Needless to say, it’s been a rough twenty-four hours. However, this is only partially because of the sleeplessness. Yesterday was just hard in general. I mentioned Proverbs 13:12 a little while ago (Hope deferred makes the heart sick and all), and that is an apt description of my day yesterday. God has been teaching me to turn to him for my joy and satisfaction, but for some reason yesterday, as hard as I tried, I completely failed. At one point I even found myself in the bathroom trying desperately to cry. I failed at that to. For whatever reason, and can’t cry when I’m in pain. Inspiring moments and speeches will move me to tears very quickly, but pain, heartbreak… I can’t cry even when I need to.
So, yesterday moved from random heartache, to rejection (accompanied by a truly stupid excuse), to insomnia, and finally to pornography. I’ve mentioned before how much I hate pornography. It is a consistent thorn in my side… or in my heart. That being said, I don’t really have that much to say about it. I looked. I felt deeply sucky. I repented. I hope that I’ll never look again, but know that’s not realistic, so I hope that it’s at least a few months before I struggle with it again, and the next time I struggle with it, I plan to win. That being said, insomnia has made my summer both very long and very hard, and I don’t see any sign of it ending soon. I probably need to go to a doctor, but lack of money combined with lack of medical insurance makes that quite difficult. So instead I’m doing my best, taking sleep aids, and sometimes going without. I probably need to get some herbal teas, it’s something that I haven’t tried yet.
That being said, I actually don’t have much to say at all at the moment, and I have papers to grade. So, I’m going to read some Isaiah and then go do that.
Well, it’s four in the morning and I’m sitting here writing because I can’t sleep… again. At least I’m taking tomorrow off, so it’s not like there’s anything I really have to do. Still, I’d kind of like to be asleep right now. That being said, life is always full of little surprises ready to kick you in the face. I called not-Sarah this afternoon to finalize plans for Wednesday, only to have her tell me that she wasn’t really interested in anything more than casual conversations with me.
I don’t think I handled that well. I didn’t handle it badly, I was just kind of lost for words and babbled a little bit before saying goodbye. The conversation really caught be by surprise, honestly, and I’m realizing that I didn’t really know what I was looking for from her. I don’t know if I wanted more than casual friendship or not, but I kind of expected more. I thought that she was interested (which means that I clearly misread something I suppose), and I was more flustered at having that expectation banished than at the fact that nothing was going to happen between us.
Ultimately, it was a minor disappointment, but it was definitely a disappointment because I was expecting at least interest from her. I was expecting to be the one who decided if there was anything there, not the other way around, and that didn’t happen. Ultimately, it’s in God’s hands, and I’m going to trust him with it. He knows what he’s doing a lot better than I do. I’m also kind of surprised that it affected me as much as it did. As I said, I was on… well, at least I thought I was on the fence about wanting something, but when the actual decision was taken away, it hurt a little and threw me into a funk that lasted for a good three or four hours.
I think that I can, and probably should, be better about that. I keep saying that I need to be single, and maybe I still need that for a little while longer. It’s something that I’m doing my best to leave up to God right now. Honestly, there’s a big part of me that’s just tired of being rejected.
Have you ever been too tired to eat? I don’t mean too tired to go downstairs and cook something, but literally so tired that with a bowl of food right in front of you, you had to take breaks because lifting the food from the bowl to your mouth took so much energy that you almost fell out of your chair?
This was the experience I had tonight. I’m visiting family, and as I’ve written over the past few days, I’ve had some really long weeks. I am thoroughly exhausted, and when we went out for dinner… I was too tired to eat. I was hungry (actually I was kind of really hungry), but I was so tired that it took me a long time to actually manage to finish my food. I’d manage a bite or two and then I’d have to rest for a while. I honestly hadn’t realized how exhausted I really am until dinner tonight.
I think that this is a bad thing. So, I’m going to do my best to take a couple of days off this week. Relax, watch tv, maybe go for a hike with not-Sarah is she’s amenable and if the weather cooperates. I think that I’m also going to try to sleep a lot next week.
Honestly, I was going to write something more tonight. At the moment however… for the life of me I have no idea what it was. I’m going to go sleep now.