I’ve never liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Nonetheless, the title (if not the plot) is probably the best possible description of my summer. Needless to say, it’s been a rough twenty-four hours. However, this is only partially because of the sleeplessness. Yesterday was just hard in general. I mentioned Proverbs 13:12 a little while ago (Hope deferred makes the heart sick and all), and that is an apt description of my day yesterday. God has been teaching me to turn to him for my joy and satisfaction, but for some reason yesterday, as hard as I tried, I completely failed. At one point I even found myself in the bathroom trying desperately to cry. I failed at that to. For whatever reason, and can’t cry when I’m in pain. Inspiring moments and speeches will move me to tears very quickly, but pain, heartbreak… I can’t cry even when I need to.
So, yesterday moved from random heartache, to rejection (accompanied by a truly stupid excuse), to insomnia, and finally to pornography. I’ve mentioned before how much I hate pornography. It is a consistent thorn in my side… or in my heart. That being said, I don’t really have that much to say about it. I looked. I felt deeply sucky. I repented. I hope that I’ll never look again, but know that’s not realistic, so I hope that it’s at least a few months before I struggle with it again, and the next time I struggle with it, I plan to win. That being said, insomnia has made my summer both very long and very hard, and I don’t see any sign of it ending soon. I probably need to go to a doctor, but lack of money combined with lack of medical insurance makes that quite difficult. So instead I’m doing my best, taking sleep aids, and sometimes going without. I probably need to get some herbal teas, it’s something that I haven’t tried yet.
That being said, I actually don’t have much to say at all at the moment, and I have papers to grade. So, I’m going to read some Isaiah and then go do that.