God has spent a long time (very long time) teaching me how to trust him, and I do, completely and without hesitation. However, it’s not easy sometimes. God provides, always, and I don’t doubt this. However, my last paycheck was $400, and I have $755 worth of expenses in the next two weeks, plus I need something to live on (those expenses don’t include gas, food, coffee, etc). So, I’m still up at 2 in the morning, not worrying exactly, but praying that God will provide, and hoping that I can get a little sleep tonight so that I can do my job well tomorrow.

This is the thing about trust. It’s easy to trust God when everything is going the way I want it to, and it’s easy to trust God when nothing is going the way I want it to. The former is obviously easier than the latter, but with a little practice both are easy. It’s easy to have faith that God will do when he is doing, and when he isn’t doing, it’s fairly easy to give up on hope and convince yourself that he won’t do.

Soren Kierkegaard, in Fear and Trembling, makes the point that neither of these is satisfactory. To believe that God will or to believe that God won’t simply isn’t enough, because either way we are attempting to set limits on God. Kierkegaard’s model (Kierkegaard calls him the knight of faith) is a man who believes simultaneously both that God will do what he desires, and that God won’t do what he desires. On top of this, he understands that whether God does or does not, the result is good because it is God’s will, and God is good.

So, applying this to my situation, I need about $600 extra dollars ($355 plus money to live on, plus a little extra for emergencies). So, I am doing my best to trust that God will provide this money. However, if he doesn’t provide this money, I trust that he will take care of me regardless, and that this lack of money will somehow work out to be good, because it is his will. Thus I am doing my best to believe that God will provide, and that he won’t provide, and that whichever happens it is good because it is God’s will. I haven’t mastered this yet.